Warnings to the Reggo (not preggo) Inhabitants of Earth – from an 8 month grumpy preggo chick

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Posted on June 24, 2015 by

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I don’t waddle, I ain’t that slow, I will kill you: I am eight months pregnant, walking down King Street in Charleston, SC in 100 degree heat. Suddenly my stroll slows to a crawl thanks to three guys, who are spread out waddling along the sidewalk ahead of me, making it impossible for me to pass. I glare at the back of their heads for a minute (probably less) and then start muttering “So slow!! Move faster or move the hell over!” The take home point: If the eight month preggo lady is bitching at your escargot-like walking pace, you are the slowest person on the damn planet. Speed the heck up or she will kill you with the nail file in her pocket book in 5, 4, 3, 2…

I know I am huge, I have a mirror, I will kill you: I have gained a scary scary 40 pounds so far. Everyone kindly says “it’s all bump! You haven’t gained weight anywhere else!” Well, everyone is lying. My butt is huge. It has become a planet and there are other smaller planets in it’s orbit. When I say “everyone” however, I am not including my mom who gleefully says things like “your stomach is huge” or “you are giant! You’ll never be able to lose that weight” or “hey look! It’s fatty!” or the newest “you’re a whale.” Hysterical right? It’s okay, she’s going to a home just as soon as I can have her declared incompetent. There are also morons who say dumb a$$ things like “you look good with extra weight, you should keep it.” Yup, f-off. I’m not going to retain this fat-a$$ just so you look better by comparison. The take home point: Do not tell a preggo she looks huge/big/fluffy… even if she does… she’ll start planning your downfall and carry it out.

It’s my “bump,” I will kill you: Caveat here – I am not referring to my husband, my mom, or my besties. I have a “baby bump.” I kinda hate that term, it’s a little cutesy for my taste, but I’m going to go with it. So again, I have a baby bump. You know what it feels like? Someones abdomen. A tight round abdomen. That’s all. If you touch it or pat it you won’t feel the baby or feel the baby kick (unless the baby happens to be kicking at the time, but even so your hand has to be in the right place and the baby doesn’t kick that often, blah blah blah). So when you touch/pat my abdomen, ITS CREEPY AND WEIRD AND MAKES ME FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. Look at my face as I cringe and say “ummm, ok” when you ask to touch “the bump.” I’m being polite by not responding “no it’s weird, go away.” Take the visual que!!! The take home point: Unless you are my husband, my mom, or one of my besties, then every time you touch my belly, I hate you more.

Kisses…

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This is a pic of my husband and preggo me. He can touch the belly…

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